Being a solo parent was my plan A

Mel had two reasons to seek IVF: an inherited genetic condition which could cause miscarriages or disabilities, and a heartfelt mission to be a solo mum. Embryologists at TFP Fertility Oxford used PGT (pre-implantation genetic testing) to bring her dreams to life. 

Melanie's story

Mel, 33, adores children. She works as a nanny and comes from a large, blended family. She’s one of five siblings, all of whom have children themselves. 

She’d always known her dad carried a genetic condition which could cause disabilities and there was a chance she’d inherit it.  

Tests carried out in 2017 confirmed that she had.  

“Genetics is complicated,” she says. “In my case, my chromosome pairs one and two have exchanged certain segments – it's known as a balanced translocation.  

“It means there is a small chance the development of a baby’s heart and brain could be affected if I were to get pregnant. 

“There’s also an increased risk of miscarriage.” 

To prevent any disabilities being passed onto her children, Mel would need each embryo to be screened for abnormalities. 

At this stage, Mel was in her late twenties and keen to start a family of her own. She recalls joining ‘every dating app in the world’.  

The problem was, she wasn’t committed to the idea of a relationship – and mentioning having children on a first date was considered a deal-breaker. 

“I didn’t have any dating disasters,” she recalls. “It just didn’t feel right. I’m quite independent and didn’t want to commit my time to another adult.” 

A visit to the Fertility Show in London helped clarify her thoughts.  

While attending a seminar on solo parenthood, she noticed that most of her fellow attendees were women in their 40s. 

The presenter told her audience that the first step on their journey would be to grieve the loss of a traditional family.  

Mel realised that she wasn’t sad about that at all. 

“This was when I finally realised, I had only been dating for the purpose of getting pregnant,” she confirms. “It was clear IVF would be the best option for me.” 

“Was the dream in sight?” 

Mel explored the costs and options available to her via a selection of fertility clinics, considering the added costs of the PGT. She was wary – the costs were adding up.  

At this point Mel’s Mum stepped forward. She’d been left some money in a will and wanted to fund a round of IVF for her daughter. 

Grateful and relieved, and feeling that her dream of motherhood could be a reality, Mel began searching for a fertility clinic which specialised in genetic testing. TFP Fertility Oxford offered this specialty and a convenient location near her work.  

After getting in touch with the clinic, there was more good news to come.

Clinic staff confirmed that due to Mel’s need for genetic screening, she was eligible for NHS funding. In fact, three rounds of IVF with PGT plus all frozen egg transfers up to the point of having a child. 

All Mel had to pay for was the donated sperm. 

“The clinic staff were amazing. They confirmed everything and two months later I started treatment,” she says. 

After a short course of medication and her first egg collection, four embryos were created using the donor sperm. Each of these was screened for genetic abnormalities and all came back as abnormal. 

“It was a bump down to reality.  I was one round down of my NHS funding and nowhere near a baby,” remembers Mel.  

“It's a numbers game."

The second round was far more successful. Of the seven embryos sent for genetic testing, three were normal and one was mosaic, which meant it was neither normal nor abnormal. 

Mel should have been ready to move forward with  a frozen embryo transfer, but there was a problem. The lining of Mel’s uterus wasn’t thick enough for implantation. 

Increasing Mel’s dosage of oestrogen, which should have nurtured her endometrial lining, didn’t work. So, the consultant agreed to go ahead with the transfer anyway. It was clear that this thinner lining was ‘normal’ for Mel. 

The transfer took place in December 2019 and on New Year’s Eve a pregnancy test confirmed that Mel was carrying her first baby, a little boy named Seth. 

Mel still had two embryos frozen and when Seth was 18 months old, she began planning her next pregnancy.  

“As a solo mum, I had to make sure the birth was at a time when my family were there to help me,” she says. “So, I had to delay my IVF for a couple of months to avoid a holiday. Twenty-three family members were set to be away at the same time.” 

Mel had never struggled with the medical regime but she admits that this time it was difficult. Seth was with her constantly. 

“Trying to apply medication when you are towing a toddler around is challenging. For example, my medical patches needed changing every third day.  

“I’d often wonder, am I on the third day? Who knows?” 

“For me, it was practically tough but not emotionally tough,” she concludes. 

Yet the IVF was successful and following a second frozen embryo transfer, Mel’s pregnancy with baby Emmie was confirmed. 

“I love being a solo Mum. Everything is our choice."

Mel is raising her children within her large, blended family and has friends in same-sex relationships. 

“It’s not automatic for us to think that a family has a Mum and a Dad,” she explains. “I work hard to make sure my children know where they came from and how many different types of family there are.” 

“My sperm donor is Swedish and you can see this in Seth and Emmie – they have white-blonde hair and bright blue eyes. 

“It is up to them whether they want to find him when they are older. I’d be intrigued. The whole family says, oh, your kids look so like us. But I’d be intrigued to see the resemblance to him as well,” she adds.  

When it comes to being a solo parent by choice, Mel believes she's in the minority.

“I’m in a Facebook group for solo mums by choice and many are ladies worrying about their declining fertility. 

“Yet, they still want to meet the right person to have a family with. 

“I don’t feel things in that way. In fact, I can’t think of anything worse.” 

She adds, “I’m constantly hearing things like, my husband wants to come back into the bed. I’m so grateful I don’t have things like that to negotiate. 

“I co-sleep with my kids and I breast feed both.” 

Mel feels there are more and more people who are feeling like she is: that solo motherhood is plan A, not a secondary option. 

“I have a friend who is asexual,” she says. “She doesn’t want to be intimate with anyone, ever, so fertility treatment was also her way of becoming a parent. 

“I think more and more young people are taking a hold of this earlier in their lives. This is what we want life to be.”