We had always told each other there was still time to have a baby

We had always told each other there was still time to have a baby. Work, trips, house purchase, meeting friends, career – there had always been ‘something’. And then, the moment came in our lives when we thought, ‘If not now, when?’ I had a few basic tests and everything seemed OK. Since I worked as a healthcare professional, knew how to diagnose infertility and was a rather impatient person.
I went deeper into diagnostic testing after three cycles of efforts. The findings were abnormal – some of them highly outside the range and the others only near the limits; however, they were not so critical as to affect my chance to get pregnant.

I wondered what to do for a long time and, eventually, decided to give ourselves a year, explaining to myself rationally, ‘This is what the WHO says. If we fail, I’ll change my job and reduce the stress.’ There were two unsuccessful inseminations in the meantime (wow, this impatience). A year passed, and I quit the job to keep my promise. After over a year of trying, it was during the first month in a new job when a delayed period did not draw my attention. I had a test on the 40th day of the cycle – it was a success! There were no happy tears; there were doubts with a tiny piece of joy. I felt happy for exactly 4 hours. Blood tests indicated miscarriage. Sometimes, it is better to wait before you check the result. My husband did not understand, and I went to the doctor as if I was facing execution… And it was probably the greatest shock, as later, there was only great concern that it was all my fault, that I did not manage to keep my baby alive in pregnancy. Next unsuccessful cycles afterwards. I was tired and frustrated. The word ‘loneliness’ best describes those fruitless efforts. Next friends await a baby, pregnant women everywhere, the family members keep asking, I start avoiding others, I start getting annoyed.

It was more or less halfway through our efforts when Dr Przybycień joined us with his support. At one of the visits, I regretfully remarked that one biochemical pregnancy in 17 cycles was a bit too few. The doctor ordered more advanced immune and genetic diagnostic assessments. For me, despite huge costs, it was worth it. With such advanced medicine, when we know the reason for failure, it is impossible not to eliminate many of the problems with the use of medications. Thankfully, we were in the group of people for whom IVF and properly tailored drugs worked. I can still remember when we completed the first transfer. At that time, a morphologically beautiful embryo was transferred, and we received a set of embryology reports. I looked at the whole procedure description where the other 4 embryos, which had been frozen, were listed. One of them was developing at a slower pace than the others. I said to my husband, ‘I think today’s transfer may fail but when we transfer the poorest one, this will probably be our child eventually, and a boy, of course, because boys are lazy, and I’m sure they grow more slowly.’ Well, exactly that happened. The third transfer (of the weakest embryo in my opinion) was successful. I still remember the blood test result. While having coffee in a cafe and refreshing the lab’s website, I was fiddling with a prescription that I wanted to throw out (as what sense did it make to buy pregnancy-supporting drugs?)

You may say it’s an emotional blockage. The cells are in place, anatomy OK, hormone levels corrected – this must be psyche. I personally believe such a blockage does not exist. If it was, it should work both ways.
Nowadays, most people plan pregnancy, they have tests. I have no friends who wouldn’t plan a baby much in advance. Besides, every single patient treated for infertility is always really concerned. So many questions on mind: Are there any follicles? Do they grow? Is oestradiol OK? Will doctors manage to collect oocytes? To fertilise them? Will they develop to the proper stage? Are they of good quality?
And so on, and so forth.

Someone may ask, ‘Was it worth the effort?’ Well, it was not pleasant (even with great staff support), but I can say, ‘YES, IT WAS’. This is not only a pregnant belly, first kicks, these wonderful, blue eyes looking at us (still) with unconditional love, the first ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ heard, hugging, plays, smiles – this is the whole process of infertility treatment. You may say that such a fight is bad luck, a disaster, but in our case, it made us enjoy small things again. We appreciate all that we have, and our confidence that we can have everything has gone. Nothing matters more than our health and the three of us. When I talk about IVF, I always say one thing, ‘Some people have appendix removed, others take heart medications, and we were treated for infertility’. And I can proudly use the past tense.